I’m here to tell you, I’m sorry.
My dearest,
For many years I have overlooked you and your pain. I have blamed you for everything. How could do such a thing? Why would you say that? You were so irresponsible. It’s because of you that I am suffering.
I’ve have been watching you from afar. Any mistake you made no matter the size, I turned my back on you while shaking my head in embarrassment and shame. I know it’s hard to hear. When I realized my actions were causing you pain, I too, wished for silence. Now that my ignorance has washed out to sea, I am left standing here stripped of all judgment and ready to meet.
Many years have passed and while I sit here gritting my teeth, muscles twitching and mind racing through all the track meets of trauma -always winning first place- I think of you.
I don’t grit my teeth because I’m ashamed of you anymore, it’s to hold back the tsunami from drowning me again because goddammit, I’ve finally come up to breathe. My muscles are twitching because I crave to embrace you and I want so desperately to tell you how proud I am of you.
You were left alone to survive, hunting for crumbs that would feed your desire for love and in return your bones played peek-a-boo with that which was holding you together. You hopped from one abuser to the next differentiating them by type of abuse, filing them away in cabinets, and labeling them from one to ten as if you were explaining your level of pain. And you were.
My heart aches for you and I can finally feel my fury raging inside. I lost fury a long time ago when sorrow took control. I couldn’t remember how to protect you and I lost my self in the mix. Things have changed, fury wants to come out and play again.
There is more to say and I understand if you need time. But after all these years, all that really needs to be said is — I am truly, undeniably sorry. I was blindly following in the footsteps of those that were dragging me along by a thread of guilt, and in the process I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I am so sorry.
When you are ready, I am here. It’s safe now and I’ve put on my armor to hold your hand and make sure they can’t hurt you anymore.
I love you, forever and always.
Truly yours,
Edie Grace
